


HxH Letterbox

by egelskaseriunaHxH



Series: Killugon Fics [5]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Pain, Pining, Regret, Requited Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love, Work In Progress, star crossed lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29126397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/egelskaseriunaHxH/pseuds/egelskaseriunaHxH
Summary: Excerpt from "Letters to the Sea" (Chapter 1):I am the sea and you, Gon, are a seaside town. I will smash and bash and destroy you until you are forced to shut me out just so that you can survive.I am so sorry Gon.Love Always,- Killua-----I am a seaside town and you, Killua, are the sea. You provide me with life and sustenance, yet I only continue to take from you while polluting your selfless innocence. I deserve the danger that comes with your rage and pain - after all, it is my choice to stay beside a force of nature.Please forgive me Killua.Forever Yours,- Gon-----A series of one-shots where our fave HxH pairings exchange letters with each other, often confessing love, expressing pain, saying goodbye or airing any grievances.-----Requests (pairings/tropes) welcome!
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika & Leorio Paladiknight, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Series: Killugon Fics [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2111367
Comments: 16
Kudos: 60





	1. Letters to the Sea (Killugon)

**Author's Note:**

> This was written as an attempt to express some of my pent up emotions and a way to cope with some of my trauma yikes.
> 
> Loosely inspired by the tragic story of my late mother; may she rest in peace. 
> 
> Thank you for reading.
> 
> Please excuse errors - this is unbeta-ed and I am also autistic and dyslexic 
> 
> \- M. A.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Killua loves Gon, and Gon loves Killua back, yet no matter how he tries, he can't seem to fall in love with his best friend. The two exchange painful, heartfelt letters that show there are no winners in a war of love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally a oneshot but I need a form of writing easy enough to upkeep during rigorous medical exams if only to preserve my own sanity and any semblance of mental health that I may grasp.

Gon,  
  
I want you to want me...so, _so_ much.

I can't help the tears that well in my eyes like puddles welling to form their own river in a hurricane. I should be stronger than this. I was built to be strong, and yet, one look at you is enough to fell me. My heart aches. My chest aches. It feels tight, as if someone were tugging all the muscle fibres of my thorax through my ribcage in an iron fist. My throat isn't large enough to accommodate the permanent lump of your rejection. I can only cry.  
  
My breaths are gasps of pain but you can't see me. You care for me, but " _not like that_ ". What am I to do? You are everything to me. You saved me from my own family, my own self. I put my everything in you. I would die for you. I would sacrifice anything. I would exhaust all means just to see you smile.  
  
I want to hold your hand, but you don't want to hold mine. I want you to hold me close. I want to feel your hand in my hair. I want to feel safe from the evil horrors of the world, in your arms. I want to hear " _I love you_ " fall from your lips and I want them to mean the same thing that I feel.  
  
I won't get over you. I can't. It's been years. I've tried. I've left and I keep coming back like a moth to the flame that will eventually be its cause of death.  
  
Am I so despicable? I know that there is so much wrong with me, but am truly I so revolting that you can't ever want me? Can I fix myself? What can I do? I'll do anything, if only you could want me just for a day. Tell me, Gon. Anything. Tell me and I'll do it.  
  
I love you so much. I'm so in love with you. I always will be and that makes it so much worse - resigning myself to a life of pain. You love me, yes, but you'll never be in love with me. I'm a companion; someone to have fun with, but I won't ever be what you desire or cherish. How can I live with that? How, Gon? Tell me how.  
  
I'm so pathetic. I wish you could want me back, but I know you can't. You don't have to be sorry.... no one deserves to be saddled with me anyhow. I do wish it were different though. I really do. I wish you could love me. I wish you could want me. I want you to want me, Gon. But I know you never will.  
  
I wish I could cease to exist, but I'd miss you too much. Life is so painful, but you are so worth it that I don't mind suffering through each breath of each day just to be beside you.  
  
I am the sea and you, Gon, are a seaside town. I will smash and bash and destroy you until you are forced to shut me out just so that you can survive.  
  
I am so sorry Gon.

Love Always, 

Killua

°°°°°°°°

  
  
Killua,  
  
I want to want you so much, more than anything else in the worlds. I DO want you, that's the messed up part. It's just...I _can't_ seem to fall in love...I don't know _why_ , because I already love you so much.  
  
Your tears are like the tsunamis that wreck seaside towns or the floods that ravage cities. I can't breathe when you cry. My heart is torn out with your bare hands with each tear that falls from your beautiful eyes, for I know that it is a tear for me and all that is wrong with me.

Killua, I swear, I want to be right. My heart aches. My chest aches. It would make me so happy to be in love with you; to be the source of your smile and happiness. I want to hold you and drive your fears away. I want to be the source of gentle touches and affection to erase the pains of the past.  
  
I don't know what's wrong with me, Killua. I try so hard - oh, you don't know how much _I try_ to be right for you. To be what you want, what you _NEED_. It would kill me to see you with someone else, but sometimes, I wish it would happen. You deserve comfort. It's not your fault if you're dangerous and hurt - they say a wounded animal is the most dangerous and you've been so, _so_ thoroughly hurt.  
  
It crushes me to add to your pain. It kills me that I can't be your peace. What's wrong with me? _What is wrong with me_!?? I hate myself so much for doing this to us; to _you_. You're my best friend; my companion...you're everything to me. I cherish you. You make me feel whole.  
  
I wish I could fix myself. I'd do anything to fix myself; to be right. Why am I wrong? Maybe I am being punished for something, but it isn't fair that you must suffer so; that I must be the cause of your suffering.  
  
I love you so much Killua and I want you so much, but words aren't enough when my brain won't let me hold you as I'm meant to. I know we are meant to be together. You are meant for me and I am meant for you and yet, I have ruined it all.

I can't change; trust me, I've tried. I shouldn't have to _try_ to be in love with my best friend, but that's just our predicament isn't it? Maybe I'm just like this and that's how I'll always be - unable to fall in love. My father was this way too. Killua, I don't want to be Ging; I dont want to hurt you and I promise that I'll never have children to pass this pain to them too.  
  
Killua, please help me. I am drowning. The pain of hurting you is excruciating - I can't breathe. I don't want to be the cause of your pain. I don't want to hurt you worse than they hurt you. I am meant to make it better yet I can't. Why can't I be right? Why can't I be good enough to love the person I want as they want me to?  
  
Killua? I'm so sorry...  
  
I don't want to live like this. This pain is so overwhelming; Killua, make it stop. You make me so happy, beloved, and I wish I could make you happy in return. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I were right for you.  
  
I am a seaside town and you, Killua, are the sea. You provide me with life and sustenance, yet I only continue to take from you while polluting your selfless innocence. I deserve the danger that comes with your rage and pain - after all, it is my choice to stay beside a force of nature.  
  
Please forgive me, Killua.  
  
Forever Yours,

Gon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope that you heal from whatever is hurting you one day <3
> 
> \- M. A.


	2. Pika (Leopika)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leorio writes an angsty letter to Kurapika on the night before his last pre-clinical exam of medical school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this was supposed to be a one shot but here we are. Letters are therapeutic for me and they take much less planning and editing, which makes it easy for me to just write one as a coping mechanism and post it, which makes me happy. 
> 
> No one's life is easy and there are others with more horrendous lives and circumstances, and so I just want to express gratitude for my life and its upsides whilst sending strength to each person that needs it. 
> 
> I hope this helps you cope with whatever dark times lurk through your days as it does me.

Pika,

It's the night before my final exam as a pre-clinical medical student. Are you proud? I think you would be; I'm not sure if that's even true anymore, but I'll take it.  
  
Pika, if I pass this one I'll be a clinical med student! A student-doctor! Imagine that, huh? 3 years away from being Dr. Paladiknight! I can't believe it either, honestly...  
  
I guess you knew that some part of me would be desperate enough to hope that you'd show up; to hope that you'd make this night a little bit easier, Pika. It's okay, though. It's not your fault. It's not your job to look after me; after all, I'm the one dedicating my life to fixing others.  
  
Pika, I guess that I just thought that maybe you'd care enough about me one last time to get me through one last exam but I also know that's unfair. You don't owe me anything. You never have and I've been wrong to just expect something that I know you can never give.  
  
Do you miss me? I'll miss you, Pika. After this sends, I won't bother you again. I guess after 4 years, I should probably learn the lesson; I'll take the hint, for both of us.  
  
I'll try to ace that Neuroscience exam tomorrow for you; I know you'd be disappointed with an 'F'.  
  
I love you, Pika. I always will.  
  
Yours,  
  
(Soon-to-be) Dr. Leorio Paladiknight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3 
> 
> I'm in a tough place mentally and I actually have my own Neuroscience II exam today. When it rains, boy does it bucket down. Regardless though, thank you for reading and contributing to a happy place for myself and many others <3 
> 
> Please leave any feedback or requests for pairings that you'd like to share, or if you'd just want to chat or share anything. 
> 
> Thanks again 
> 
> \- M. A.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.
> 
> This was an emotional piece for me but HxH has gotten me through some of the toughest times of my life, including losing my mother and all the trauma that came before it. 
> 
> Please leave any kudos and feedback that you may feel so kind enough to share. I am really struggling mentally with medical school and I sometimes do 18 hrs of work per day with HxH and writing as my only reprieve. Life is tough and sometimes having autism and dyslexia really emphasises how tough it is. 
> 
> Anyway! Sorry for the depressing words yikes 
> 
> Thank you again <3
> 
> Please find me @egelskaseriunaHxH on Instagram and Tumblr.
> 
> Lots of love,
> 
> \- M. A.
> 
> ||
> 
> An ode to my mother, Lide. 
> 
> Far í friði, Mumma


End file.
